I thought I had become pretty good with anger management in my life, but lately, I've just been set off by all sorts of stupid things that have no logical connection.  I just fly off the handle and go nuts.  I try to calm myself down, but i am finding it harder to do so.  back when I was in Japan, I don't think I ever had a problem dealing with things.  Maybe back here in canada, i feel pressured.  what kind of pressure?  I'm not even sure.  I feel trapped and it's all so damned permanent here at home.  When I know something is fleeting, I can take the time to really enjoy it because I know it won't last long.  I want to build my life here.  life is short, but to build whatever i want, I have to make some permanent sacrifices.  I can't be going around doing what I want anymore because it won't get me what I want in the future.  This fucking bullshit do stupid things now so you can relax in the future really sucks.

 

maybe the root of all of this is just having to live at home anymore.  I feel babied and at the same time, uncared for.  babied because I don't have to pay blls, deal with food or shelter.  I feel uncared for because it means nothing to me.  My parents can't miss me anymore because i'm not around.  They can't be worried because i am always home.  I AM ALWAYS HOME.  I want to go away for a weekend.  I think I need to take off and do something else.  Maybe a week.  I need to leave this country again so I can see why it's so great.  Maybe I just need to leave home.  Hurry up tammy, some days, I really miss the freedom of being on my own.  Maybe I should just stop whining and do it.  Forget waiting.  i can't afford it, but I can't afford to live with all this nonsense.  In January, I might have to rent out a place if I have a steadier job.  Fuck.

 

I wanted to kill Chubbs just to get back at my parents.  Poor chubbs.  he's okay, but even the fact that it crossed my mind to kill a pet just to show off some emotion or concern is making me crazy.  Why would I do that to a poor bird?

 

FUCK