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21 de outubro

please work

Tammy spent the night at my place last night I am afraid of WWIII happening at her house right now.  From the way things look, she could be at war for a long, long time.  I need to vent something out but I don't know what it is.  Just a few nights ago, I was ballistic on my own wall because I was pissed off at my parents.  Frustration of living at home, but there's no way the pain I feel is anywhere or frustraion, I should say, is any where near as bad as hers.  On top of that, the downer of a person I know who decided to tell everyone she's got cancer, so bad that they can't do chemo or surgery to remove it.  Why?  IT's in her spine.  And another girl has cancer there in the same location.  Wrapped around and around so you can't even get rid of it.   This thing called cancer sucks.  Did you know that it was called cancer because in the old days, when it broke through the skin, it short of looked like a crab, so that's how cancer got its name.  one of the first forms of cancer is from the chimney sweeps.  Calling it soot warts, a lot of boys would get cancer from sweeping chimneys and having the soot build up in their bodies, espeically around tissues like their scrotum.  Doctors cut it off.  Before chemo.  Before pain killers.  efore scalpels.  Poor boys.  Where have all the poor boys gone?
 
So in other news, the my job is going great.  I was somehow lucky enough to be invited to another high profile event, which means that someone up there believes we're capable of doing our job, whatever that is.  That's good news, I guess.   I bought a new pink shirt.  I've very proud of it.  It's a sexy colour.  One day, someone will see it and say I'm hot.
 
Now I don't know what else to say.  Last night I had a dream about video games.  I played them a lot and people enjoyed it.  Other than that, I can't remember more of the dream.  I want to watch a movie.  I want to travel elsewhere.  What can I really do? 
 
I am writing now for the sake of writing.  There is nothing interesting in this entry.  I won't say anything more.  I believe that religion is being destroyed.  Buthered and turned into something that it's not.  It''s been going on for 20000 years, but what can you do?  Buddhist who are chinese are the worst.  What does buddhism and china have to do with each other?  A religion that preaches the ending of suffering and simplifying your life and Chinese people will walk over anyone to get money and power and successul, whatever that means.  I need to meet people who don't put money as their top priority, but enjoying life to be top.  Is it so hard to find Chinese people who are like that?  Maybe not Chinese, but asians in general?  Asian guys are like that much worse than the women.  Maybe its' because asian guys are still expected to earn all the bread whil ethe women just have buns in the oen?  Maybe asian men need to do it to getthe girls that are after fun and security.  Asian women are the best but sometimes, they are so hard to deal with.  Very hard to deal with.  It's 11pm.  I don't really need to sleep, but I think I will.
 
This stupid blog entry was a waste of internet space.
20 de outubro

Anger management

I thought I had become pretty good with anger management in my life, but lately, I've just been set off by all sorts of stupid things that have no logical connection.  I just fly off the handle and go nuts.  I try to calm myself down, but i am finding it harder to do so.  back when I was in Japan, I don't think I ever had a problem dealing with things.  Maybe back here in canada, i feel pressured.  what kind of pressure?  I'm not even sure.  I feel trapped and it's all so damned permanent here at home.  When I know something is fleeting, I can take the time to really enjoy it because I know it won't last long.  I want to build my life here.  life is short, but to build whatever i want, I have to make some permanent sacrifices.  I can't be going around doing what I want anymore because it won't get me what I want in the future.  This fucking bullshit do stupid things now so you can relax in the future really sucks.
 
maybe the root of all of this is just having to live at home anymore.  I feel babied and at the same time, uncared for.  babied because I don't have to pay blls, deal with food or shelter.  I feel uncared for because it means nothing to me.  My parents can't miss me anymore because i'm not around.  They can't be worried because i am always home.  I AM ALWAYS HOME.  I want to go away for a weekend.  I think I need to take off and do something else.  Maybe a week.  I need to leave this country again so I can see why it's so great.  Maybe I just need to leave home.  Hurry up tammy, some days, I really miss the freedom of being on my own.  Maybe I should just stop whining and do it.  Forget waiting.  i can't afford it, but I can't afford to live with all this nonsense.  In January, I might have to rent out a place if I have a steadier job.  Fuck.
 
I wanted to kill Chubbs just to get back at my parents.  Poor chubbs.  he's okay, but even the fact that it crossed my mind to kill a pet just to show off some emotion or concern is making me crazy.  Why would I do that to a poor bird?
 
FUCK